Larry King Revives the Column Here

In honor of Larry King’s upcoming retirement, I join the gaggle of writers who attempt to write a parody column of the one he used to write in USA Today. I seldom read it, because it seemed like a waste of time. I’m sure it wasn’t as big a waste of time as this was, but writing this filled a hole tonight.

Snoop Dog told me that he’s given up pot now that he’s discovered meth … My favorite key on the typewriter is the “caps lock” key … I don’t care what the Catholics say; hemorrhoids are no fun … Does anyone put on a better show than Ringo Starr? … A recent survey said public speaking has been replaced as everyone‘s greatest fear. Americans now are most afraid our next president will be a horse … Bob Hope once told me he had never actually been to Morocco … I just read Glenn Beck’s latest book a fictional piece called “The Overton Window,“ and I can’t believe I’m the one who has to retire … I still love 7-Up, thought it’s been years since I’ve had it straight … Do these glasses make me look younger?… When Kelsey Grammar first got the part as Frasier Crane on “Cheers” it was originally planned that he would compete with Sam Malone for Diane’s attention, but then would eventually be written out of the show. The producers first thought he should get cancer and die, but then thought maybe people wouldn’t get the joke … After all these years I still haven’t figured out why we have toe nails … I went clothes shopping the other day with my wife in a mall in Utah. We bought seven pair on sale, but when I got home I decided to return them, because now that I’m retiring I better be frugal with my money and furthermore I will seldom wear pants … When David Crosby was on the show once and during one of the commercial breaks he threatened to kill me … The Lakers are the best basketball team this year … Michelle Obama was on the show recently and I had trouble concentrating because I kept wondering what she would order at Olive Garden … I’m glad I’ve lived long enough to enjoy Snickers with almonds … The third movie in the “Twilight” series opened to record crowds the other night. I went with my kids to the midnight showing and was awake long enough that when I did fall asleep during the movie I had a nightmare that I would live long enough to see the fourth movie … My kids say iCarly is the best show on television. … I once dated Barbara Hershey but I broke up with her before we got married because I discovered she didn’t have toe nails …